Family Issues

I had one of those arguements with my mom today. I mean that kind that starts out as something small and insignificant but gradually rises until we clash at the same points we always do.

I could go on and list the details of difficulties I've had with my family (or better yet, my families), but it would be pointless. The arguements themselves are masks to cover the greater problem - we have conflicting flaws and just can not see eye to eye on life. It's hard to make progress when for years you both accuse each other of doing the same thing, when one (or both) people refuses to see the writing on the wall, or when no one really "communicates" at all.

So today I got mad. Really mad. I said and thought a few things about my family that later regretted, and I started thinking that this was no way to live life. I am almost 22 years old, and I can't seem to let go of this ongoing probem with my family. The more I try to boil it down, the more I see that what I really want is love and acceptance from my family, and I don't feel like this unconditional Christ-like acceptance is never something I am going to get from them. This then led to a question - "Is this holding me back from fulfilling Christ's purpose in my life?"

I did a bible.com search on parents (I'm at school without a Bible) and I read an often-quoted passage in Luke:2 "I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life." (18:29-30). In context, Jesus is speaking to the rich young ruler who wants to know how to get into Heaven, so what he's saying here is not to abandon your family, but to realize that my devotion lies first to God, and secondly to my family.

I am spending way too much time thinking about my family and why their opinion matters so much. I am pondering what I've done to not gain their acceptance, and that leads to one of two feelings: firstly, I feel like a complete and utter failure because my parents are dissapointed with me, and so I go along with whatever they want regardless of whether or not it's what Christ would do; or secondly, I dwell on how their thinking is flawed, how they're wrong, and how they're they are to blame for all of my faults.

Of course neither of those two conclusions are proper conlcusions to make. What I need to learn is that I'm not a child anymore; I'm a man and I need to take responsibility for myself and leave them to God. If I'm wrong in my thinking or actions, God will make that known to me if I focus on Him, and if my parents are the ones who need help, I will pray for them and love them. I am reminded of a passage I read today in A New Kind of Christian where Brian McLaren, talking about who goes to Hell and who goes to Heaven, ultimately gives a valuable lesson on judgement and our belief regarding the hearts of others:

It's none of your business who does and who does not go to Hell. It is your business to be warned by it and to run, not walk, in the opposite direction! It is your business to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, to love your neighbor as yourself, and to have confidence in Jesus Christ and live as Jesus lived.

I need to turn my gaze to Heaven, love my family, and hope that my parents do the same, and through Christ I believe all will become well

Being Prepared?

Last night I couldn't sleep; something was bothering me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I reached out for my Bible and did a random reading (just flipping it open and reading whatever) and it just happened to land on Joshua 11 and Psalm 3, which both have a lot to do with trusting God in difficult and seemingly impossible situations.

I know it sounds wierd, but I had a wierd stressed feeling, almost fear, while I was reading this. I felt uneasy with my surroundings and I had the distinct feeling that God was giving me this scripture to prepare me for something, although I can not say what. It just seemed like God was preparing to charge me with something diffiuclt, or at least uncomfortable, and that I would need to put my trust in Him to persevere. I spent a lot of last night worrying and contemplating, but I'm realizing today that by worrying I am rejecting the very lesson God wished to teach me.

In Joshua, Israel has to face an army that is "as numerous as the sand on the seashore." I can't even imagine what it would be like to be Joshua facing an alliance of kingdoms that far outnumbered me in everyway. But God said to him, "Do not be afraid of them, because by this time tomorrow I will hand all of them over to Israel, slain." That was the most impacting verse for me. Joshua will not just out-perform his enemy, or beat them, or drive them away, but he will be so victorious against his mighty enemy that he will slaughter every one of them. And God is faithful; He delivered just as He said. And in Psalm, David is being conspired against by many people he trusted, including his own son, but God pulled him out of it.

If God was faithful in these situations, why would He not be behind me 100 percent? Why should I fear anything on this Earth? Chances are whatever God has in store for me, it's going to be something far less extreme than battling an epic army, so why fear?! Why worry?!

A note about me before I conclude - this whole episode sounds strange, and when I verbalize what happened and how I think God is preparing me because I read a random Bible chapter it sounds silly, but I truly believe that it is in these ways that God speaks to us. I believe God speaks through his Word, and through manipulating the objets on this Earth, or our perceptions of them, to deliver messages to his people. This is not the first time I've had an experience like this, and I encourage everyone to be open to ways that God can speak to you.

So...

I have a blogspot now. I figured this would be a good place to put more personal blogs instead of the ones on myspace. But my computer doesn't work at home, so who knows how often I'll actually post here. But I have one...woohoo